therapy.

Apr. 21st, 2011 07:06 pm
coyote: (dark crystal)
I need to stop trying to change the things that aren't going to change, and focus on the things that are in my power to change.

Something about myself that I should stop trying to change. I am a "Should" person. I do a lot of things and act certain ways and avoid confrontations and my own feelings because I feel I should. I don't hold very much importance in my own wants. I do things because something in me tells me I should. I keep thinking I should fight this but I'm coming to understand that this innate urge to do things and hide things because I don't want to hurt those that I care about is never going to change. Whether they deserve it or not isn't part of the question. It's about my own capacity to forgive and keep caring and keep wanting what's best for other people. I can't help it. I do things I should because in the end, they are what matter to me. When I put faith in someone, when I am loyal to them, I will do anything for them, regardless of how I am treated in return. No, it's not always fair. But I have been this way since I was a very little girl. I had to take care of myself and those around me from an early age and I doubt that something this deep in me could be changed by even the brightest therapist. I've gone to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, been told to confront people of my past and done so, seen feelings hurt and had my heart broken because of the sadness I caused them. The guilt I felt and still feel is a reminder that it wasn't worth it. I would rather carry these hot stones than burden anyone else with them, even they are the ones who created them.

So even when my wants become loud, and heart begins to scream that it's all unfair, and I want to cry and silently rage against the world, I can't get myself to open up. I will cry by myself, I will write angry words in my own journal, but I won't say them out loud. Because I am a "Should" person who doesn't want to bring up past hurts even as they eat at my own soul. It sucks. And those who try to get close to me now get burned because of the impacts that have been made on my spirit. But I can't stop it, and I'm giving up trying. I do things for others because it's important to me and it's important to them and no matter how many times I'm forgotten and left behind, I will continue to give my all to them. Because I don't know any other way. Because I don't know how not to forgive people. When I love, I Love and I am Loyal. And in the end, that's all the matter.

So that is something I must accept. And I need to learn to let things go. Because otherwise, they will swallow me whole.
coyote: (coyote storm)
I understand why things change.

I understand. I do.

Life is full of tides. Coming and going. Wave after wave. Things change. Even the brightest, smoothest stones will erode over time. Nothing stays the same.

I know it's fruitless. Wishing and hoping to hold the ocean in my hands. Not even the storms stay, even when they seem to last forever. Time moves differently for everyone. Fires are brighter for some people; some prefer the initial spark, some would rather walk across the burning embers.

I miss the stars. But they never stay the same either.

At least the flame is beautiful before it dies. That much we can be thankful for. And that much I am thankful for. The memory of the flame is beautiful too.

I keep my eyes forward. It's the only way the river flows.
coyote: (greenman faerie)
My tail is trouble. I have been incredibly clumsy lately and I blame my tail. No matter how invisible it is, it still knocks over every drink on every surface. Thank you, tail.

I have been very self-deprecating lately and I loathe myself for it (oh you cruel cycle). I don't know why since so much seems to be going right lately. But that's how it is. I feel like whenever anything good is happening to me, my depression takes control and my moods take a nosedive. How fucked up is that?

In the pit of my stomach is this tight ball of negative energy that keeps eating away my stomach lining. Coyote seems malicious almost and I have an inkling as to why. I've been neglecting myself. Which is dumb because I've always only been thinking of myself lately. Just not the important things, you know? I need to focus on what makes me who I am, and instead I'm focusing on all the things that don't.

Things that make me happy:

My tail (even if it is clumsy)
Chai tea
Storms
My car
Unicorns
Fluffy puppies
Rat kisses
Miyazaki movies
My shadow (with my tail)
Warm, windy nights
Sunshine

And more. But that's good for now. Rabbit is slowly trying to coax me back into the humble and the warmth and the positive. Into the comfort of the truth that I am, if not all the time, mostly good. And mostly good is probably the best anyone can be. There is too much darkness in even the most happy individual. We can't completely escape the primitive parts of our mind. But we can embrace that part and learn how to live with it. That's what I'm trying to do. To regain my balance with the night and the shadows. Rabbit is there and Coyote always. And more.

I really do need to write about my guides. They are prominent in my life even when I turn away.

Alright. I'm done for now.
coyote: (lion king stars)
I have no life. Only work. How else am I supposed to entertain myself?

a series of self portraits. )

I'm also watching Star Wars V because I'm bad ass like that. Wookie FTW. woot.
coyote: (coyote sleep)
I am practicing self-destruction and
wrapping myself in billowing storms of blue,
green and a wash of night.

I am singing to myself as I sink to
the bottom of the ocean,
weighed down by the rocks in my stomach and
five hundred gallons of light crude in my heart.
It beats with in a slow, murky time.

There is a tempest above and the terror and
beauty of it astounds me.

There have been warnings of my demise but there is
also denial.
Billions of birds are migrating, resting, feeding,
hunting for sanctuary just like me.
My energy is compromised and the toxins make me vulnerable.
God only knows the magnitude of this spiritual crisis.

To bear witness is not a passive act.

No gaze is direct and I alone shatter this house of mirrors.
I am a lion on this desolate black sand,
reading the lines of the storm and singing.

I have found a halo floating on the waves and
it is a life jacket made of light. I am losing my mind

and it is natural to be contaminated.
coyote: (Default)


I found the trailer this morning. Not gonna lie. I cried - both times I watched this. I cannot wait for this movie. I don't think I've looked forward to a movie like this since I was little. Winnie the Pooh is a huge part of me and my childhood. Random fact: the last movie I ever saw in my hometown before they shut down Delavan Theaters was The Tigger Movie. I cannot wait for this movie. It's beautiful, just look at it. Beautiful.
coyote: (dino smile)
“Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.”

Neil Gaiman.

done.

Mar. 14th, 2011 10:18 am
coyote: (coyote storm)
shutting down. nothing to see here.

edit. just need to figure some stuff out. going to a paper journal for a little bit so i can have some one on one quality communication with myself. i need me time. i need to pull the walls in around me and just stare at the inside of my brain.

and i need sleep. i wish i could sleep for a thousand years under the ocean and the only noise were the storms above me.

blah.

Feb. 6th, 2011 10:17 am
coyote: (Default)
No matter what I do, I feel guilty about not doing something else.

boredom.

Jan. 10th, 2011 08:51 pm
coyote: (totoro)
Oh boy am I restless tonight.

Supposed to be working. And I did. Some. Started working on our 365DAA project but I can't hold still. I went and wrestled with the dogs for awhile. Annoyed Snarf by continuing to blow air into his nose until he'd play with me (yeah, how do YOU like it, pup?) and then stalked the cat. All she did was give me an irritated look when I "pounced" on her. She's no fun.

The dogs are sleeping now and I'm bored. It's cold outside and Ash is gone and I'd rather be irresponsible and not do work. I really want to play our new Xbox games. I also want to read. And draw. I've been spending my lunch times lately at work drawing on pieces of cardboard I find around the office. Nothing good, unfortunately.

AGHH!!! I'm so antsy. My legs won't hold still and they hurt and I want Ash to come home and play. I keep tugging on Spunky's tail but all he does is groan and stare at me pathetically like I'm torturing him and ruining his life. You have it so hard, dog.

It's one of those nights where I feel I'm going mad. CRAZY!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!

*chases my own tail*

Okay. I'm done.
coyote: (coyote storm)
The amount of crazy crap that has happened since my last post has just been insane. Like we no longer have to worry about Ash's job because she quit (HALLELUJAH!), Christmas was 10x better than I thought it would be even though we were even more poor because of Ash's job (I will take being poor over her working for those assholes any day). We've spent lots of time with family, and we had our real Christmas last night when her mom, Grandma, and sister got here and oh man. It felt like Christmas. I was so happy I almost cried. It was like being a kid again. Her family seriously spoils me rotten.

I still haven't sent out Christmas cards. I'm horrible. Hopefully people will forgive us.

I have art to finish for certain people who usually read this. Very belated Christmas presents they will be.

I hope you all had a very very Merry Christmas/Joyous Yule/Happy Whatever-Holiday-You-Celebrate/Good day and that your New Year is fabulous. Things have been good for me, despite being sick with the flu over Christmas. And drinking a margarita way too fast last night. Oz, I think the coyote fur you sent me has vision-inducing powers, but I'll write about that later when I'm not at work. Leigh, any chance of you being around next weekend? Ruffio, don't ever feel you have to rush into saying anything or writing anything. They are your thoughts and only you know when you're ready to reveal them. I hope you all have been having a good end of the year.

Hugs and love to all!

...

Dec. 22nd, 2010 10:06 am
coyote: (small snail)
On top of everything... all five rats have lice from bad bedding. Fan-fucking-tastic.
coyote: (dino smile)
I meant to get on earlier to do a reflection post about phantom feelings, but I ran out of time. I've kind of thrown all projects out the window (which will most likely come to bite me in the rear here soon) to focus on my design site and I Love Rescue Animals. Ash has been working on a project called 365 Days of Animal Advocacy and the response we have gotten from people in such a short amount of time has been phenomenal. Of course, it also has made me realize that it's going to take a whole crap ton of organizing. I need to build a database somehow so we can store all the info somewhere.

Anyway. There's that. Ran out of time 'cause I was working on DC and trying to get the homepage finished. Failed. Because I'm a perfectionist AND a procrastinator and between the two of those faults, it takes me forever to get anything done.

I was also going to ran about work - both mine and Ash's, but I don't feel like doing that either. Oh and rant about Christmas and how we're not having one and Ash's family canceled the family Christmas so we don't even get that. I'm boycotting Christmas this year. It sucks. We aren't getting each other Christmas gifts this year because of Jacob's near-death emergency room emergency last week that resulted in all of our saved money going down the drain. Oh and took all my funds I needed to go home next month. Which won't happen.

Which ultimately means I doubt we're getting our house, which I'm not going to talk about because I'm already depressed and that thought is enough to throw me over the edge.

Ignoreignoreignore.

Happy things? Getting stuff done. I Love Rescue Animals is back in action. I like my work right now even if I don't like how the company treats employees. Got an awesome Christmas package in the mail from my mom that I already opened. Yummy cookies. New (hand-me-down) clothes. Lunar eclipse tonight.

Oh that. I feel like I should connect and howl at it or something. But I don't. It's cloudy. I feel no connection and I'd rather just sit in the dark.

Wow I'm not in a good mood. Sorry. Happy? Christmas trees. And Frank Sinatra. And Judy Garland. Old movies. Yeah, happy.

Ruffio, you were in my dream the other night. You were standing on the stairs in front of my old dorm building talking to someone who called you a name I didn't recognize. So I thought it was you but wasn't sure and was too shy to go say hi. And when I woke up I was mad at myself. I don't know what it means, other than I'm sorry I'm too shy? I don't know. But you had blue hair. It was cool.

Oz, pictures! Yeah, I forgot too until today. How about Spunky since you know him? I know there are pictures on Facebook of him. And Flickr. And deviantart. Here is one and here is two and if you need more references just look through my Facebook folders. He's got a lot in there. Got some recent photos of puppy Rufus? (I actually thought that maybe you could draw our Rufus since they have the same names, but I love seeing Spunky art). Corgis are adorable.

Ooh! That'll cheer me up. Corgi pictures!

Thanks for listening to my inane rambles while I work on design and wait for the eclipse. You're an awesome audience.
coyote: (coyote sleep)
I don't have the words right not for how I am feeling. I have amazing friends. And an amazing girlfriend. And I've had a wonderful weekend filled with friends and puppies and good movies and large amounts of actual productiveness.

But I don't want to sleep. Because if I sleep, I will wake up and tomorrow will be here and I don't want to go back to that job. I don't want to be a slave to the corporate world again. I don't want to give half-assed template designs to clients who don't even know that their websites suck despite the effort I give to make the themes at least have nice colors. I hate that I am not allowed enough time to work on projects at work and so I am forced to settle with every design I put out there even though I know it's not the best. I hate that. I hate me for not being given that option.

I also hate that I put in more hours than I'm paid for. And I go over the top to do my own projects and put so much time and effort into them and know that they won't be appreciated or they are for a company that doesn't appreciate me.

I hate that I don't get paid what I'm supposed to and I don't get the things I was promised when I first took this job. And because of that, we are forced to continue living from paycheck to paycheck and I'm constantly afraid that we won't be able to afford to pay bills or rent or loans. I'm just so tired of living this way. Of always being stressed and worried, even on incredible weekends like this one.

I try to push that away. Today I focused on the supportive people around me, the dogs that are in my life who do everything they can to make me happy even at my worst. On the weekends we've been fostering this dog named Honey. I posted pictures of her on Facebook awhile ago. I love this dog so much. She is the happiest little girl, loves everyone, and gets along so well with all of our family. I feel like she belongs here. She fits in so well that it never feels like we have an extra dog. She's just there, she belongs here, it works. No transition or anything. She just came and she was. I hate that there's that certainty that she can't be ours. Her cost is $300 even though she's a rescue and there's no way we can afford that. And it makes me so sad.

Totally didn't do a very good job focusing on good things in that last paragraph. Good things list: girlfriend, friends, dogs, furry family, clean house, clean kitchen, donations for O'Malley, sushi, good friends, Xena: Warrior Princess, root beer in a glass bottle, warm blanket, the wind, best vet in the world, rain, Christmas lights, trees, coyote.

Tomorrow begins our week-long conference that takes place downtown. I am giving three presentations. I just want to cry thinking about.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.

(Oz, I'm sleeping with a bit of the coyote fur you sent me under my pillow. It came at the right time - I need the strength. Thank you so much for the package. It means so much to me.

Ruff-io, I cannot wait to see pictures of the coyote. I know you've put so much of your energy into creating it. Also, I saw this quote today and I thought of you: "Only through art can we emerge from ourselves and know what another person sees." - Marcel Proust.)
coyote: (Default)
I'm really good at hiding stuff from myself. Feelings, thoughts, keys. I'm also really good at being optimistic for the benefit of others. I try to stay hopeful, keep my head high, say everything is perfectly dandy and be happy and make all sorts of excuses to not face the little demons clawing up the inside of my chest.

I know why I'm feeling this way, which is somewhat of a shock because generally when I start feeling wrong I have to do a bit of soul-searching to figure out what's throwing my life off balance. This time I know exactly what it is. It didn't really hit me though (or I should say, I didn't really force myself to look at it) until Ash and I were driving home the other night and a coyote loped across the road.

The coyotes in Texas are not like the coyotes up north. They are often skinny, scraggly, and slink everywhere. This coyote, however, was not like his southern brethren. He had a full, red coat that gleamed in the headlights of the car, and his head was up high and his lope was easy-going and I say this with certainty because Ash saw it as well, he acted like there was nothing in the world that could touch him. He didn't bolt across the road, afraid he'd get hit. He just jogged across with a long gait, in no hurry. He was beautiful. He was home. He was there for me.

Sometimes we stumble across something that could be taken as a good omen. Whether or not it really is can be debated. But this. This was my omen, without a doubt.

I have been feeling lost. I am not just in a job right now, I am in my career. That's what this is. And I feel lost in it. How did I get here? And yet at the very same time, I am finally coming into my own in my department. I have strengths that are recognized that nobody else has. I have been recognized by the founder of the company as being an asset to my department. The team I work with is tight and I have come to really enjoy the people I work with on a day to day basis. That's a huge step from when I first started. But that doesn't stop me from feeling like this isn't my place. A job is something you just work with. A career is supposed to be your lifelong ambition, right? This is a career that at one point I thought I wanted. And in a way, what I still want. Just not to this extent.

I want to run my life. I don't want the things or the jobs or the events in my life to run me. What it comes down to, the very core of these demons inside me, is something so simple that it hurts to admit. It shouldn't. But it does.

Art.

I need art in my life. I need to draw. I need to create and paint and conceptualize worlds and characters on paper. I need to fly. I need to see the things in my head on paper. There was never ever a time in my life when I or anyone else doubted that I would always be an artist. I'm not even that good. I'll admit that. BUT. It's in me. It's what I spent my entire high school years building up for, only to finally be talked out of art school my senior year. Why did I so easily let myself be persuaded that I shouldn't do it? I could have gone to MIAD. Or Schaumburg. I passed the portfolio interview for Schaumburg and was told I had a place there and I turned it down.

I haven't been drawing at all lately. I haven't even doodled. Nothing. And it is starting to physically hurt. Coyote is bottled up inside with all the ideas.

Tomorrow Ash works both shifts which means I spend tomorrow alone. But I have a plan. I'm cleaning up my office/studio. Rearranging it. Getting my drawing table back from the pile of clothes and crap that have taken over it. And if I have time. Drawing. Possibly painting. More likely working on a comic. The Family Menagerie needs to be updated, but a friend of mine (who used to work with me and then got a job with another company) and I have been brainstorming ideas for a comic collaboration so that might get off the ground soon. Which means a very good excuse to draw.

So drawing is in my future. And I hope that once I start, I won't stop. And this painful feeling in my chest that something is wrong with my life will go away. I know that's the reason for the depression I've been fighting off for weeks. I know that's why I feel so down lately. I see something I want to draw and I almost want to cry it hurts so bad that I don't have time. I never have time. There's always something that needs to be done and when I get home, there's more to be done and emails to be answered and by the end of the night, I just want to lay down and cuddle with Ash and watch TV. I know I need to make the time. That it's up to me to schedule and just say "I am getting out my sketchbook and drawing right NOW" and do it, but the guilt that there's other things that I need to do of more importance always gets to me. Work comes first. And it sucks. And it should be as easy and saying no, but it's not. Or maybe it's the perception I need to fight. Either way. But time and the perception of it will lead to entirely different post later on.

But I will draw. This weekend is the perfect time to find myself again. Coyote said so. Coyote was sure of it and himself and it gives me strength to see that. I can do this.

So much more I want to write about, but I'm already late for work and this entry has already become a book. I hope those of you who are reading this are doing well. Herringbone, I am constantly writing you notes in my head but always forgetting to actually give them to you. I shall try to remember to physically write them down soon. You are in my thoughts. Leigh, goose, what are doing Saturday? I'm not sure you saw my note. Oz, agh. You reminded me that I need to go to the dentist. Crap. (Thank you for the awesome video you posted. I want to play the uke.)

And that is all.

For now.
coyote: (small snail)
Sometimes I want to visit Hell,
just so I can reassure myself that this isn't it.

I breathe fire
and all the stars explode into crimson veins across the universe.

---

I cannot even begin to tell you where my mind is. Vegas was yesterday and a lifetime ago and I'm still overwhelmed by it. Still overwhelmed by last week. I wish I had taken the whole week off of work, not just today. Tomorrow I will still be a mess of myself.

Some days, for no reason that I can explain (or want to explain), I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and I hate myself for it. I'm stuck in a depressive circle (but not Depression) and just want to spend a few weeks in the woods.

A few years maybe.

kendi.

Oct. 12th, 2010 11:36 pm
coyote: (Default)
I feel lost. Heartbroken. Miserable. I just want to turn everything off.

Kendi
The day I brought her home to be mine.

Kendi. RIP October 11, 2010.
I had her for only two short years.
coyote: (coyote storm)


There is a god that provokes me
behind golden eyes,
behind fire and dry earth,
behind dust and steady winds.
I dance on heated stones
and praise the sun in worship,
for you are all I know.

greenery.

Sep. 21st, 2010 09:31 am
coyote: (greenman faerie)
The world is full of sparks, bright will-o'-wisps that clutter the sky, and dance around me until I'm dizzy.

I have been so busy trying to catch them and follow them down different paths that I stopped paying attention to the scenery. I've always been someone who leaps before they look and this is no different. When I want something, I focus on it and nothing else. I usually get what I want, but with a trail of destruction behind me. It goes unnoticed until I'm at my goal and only then do I realize that I've hurt people along the way.

I'm trying to slow down. Pay attention. It's hard and it shouldn't be. This time I'm not in this alone. This time my ultimate goal isn't just for me. I'm trying to slow down and keep pace and breathe and time it all out so I don't run myself into the ground like I normally do.

There are so many lights flashing though. I want to do everything.

Buddhism was predominate in my life for months, and in one short conversation with a stranger, I suddenly find myself pulling out my green witchcraft and faery magic books. I was told, by someone I had never met, that she could see faeries, or angels, surrounding me. That I was drawing them to me like moths to a flame. That may sound crazy just writing it out, but this woman was actually very sound and it was an eye-opening conversation. I want to know more. I feel like something woke up in my mind, something that had been quiet since I left college. I want to explore this sudden flame.

On Sunday we went and found the great Treaty Oak of Austin. Surrounded by buildings and skyscrapers, it is a giant oak more than 600 years old, standing firm and proud in the hustle and bustle of the city. It is a protected landmark. I ducked under the chain surrounding it and found myself feeling like I was visiting an old friend. It was a breath of fresh air that I didn't know I needed.

Green. Earth. I am going to breathe, slow down, and connect. I am going to put my roots down and just feel. Coyote is going to work with a little magic for awhile.

References

Sep. 14th, 2010 03:55 pm
coyote: (Default)








"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - H. Garland

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Coyote.

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