Apr. 21st, 2011

therapy.

Apr. 21st, 2011 07:06 pm
coyote: (dark crystal)
I need to stop trying to change the things that aren't going to change, and focus on the things that are in my power to change.

Something about myself that I should stop trying to change. I am a "Should" person. I do a lot of things and act certain ways and avoid confrontations and my own feelings because I feel I should. I don't hold very much importance in my own wants. I do things because something in me tells me I should. I keep thinking I should fight this but I'm coming to understand that this innate urge to do things and hide things because I don't want to hurt those that I care about is never going to change. Whether they deserve it or not isn't part of the question. It's about my own capacity to forgive and keep caring and keep wanting what's best for other people. I can't help it. I do things I should because in the end, they are what matter to me. When I put faith in someone, when I am loyal to them, I will do anything for them, regardless of how I am treated in return. No, it's not always fair. But I have been this way since I was a very little girl. I had to take care of myself and those around me from an early age and I doubt that something this deep in me could be changed by even the brightest therapist. I've gone to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, been told to confront people of my past and done so, seen feelings hurt and had my heart broken because of the sadness I caused them. The guilt I felt and still feel is a reminder that it wasn't worth it. I would rather carry these hot stones than burden anyone else with them, even they are the ones who created them.

So even when my wants become loud, and heart begins to scream that it's all unfair, and I want to cry and silently rage against the world, I can't get myself to open up. I will cry by myself, I will write angry words in my own journal, but I won't say them out loud. Because I am a "Should" person who doesn't want to bring up past hurts even as they eat at my own soul. It sucks. And those who try to get close to me now get burned because of the impacts that have been made on my spirit. But I can't stop it, and I'm giving up trying. I do things for others because it's important to me and it's important to them and no matter how many times I'm forgotten and left behind, I will continue to give my all to them. Because I don't know any other way. Because I don't know how not to forgive people. When I love, I Love and I am Loyal. And in the end, that's all the matter.

So that is something I must accept. And I need to learn to let things go. Because otherwise, they will swallow me whole.

fighting.

Apr. 21st, 2011 07:23 pm
coyote: (coyote up)
And because that post was so dark, I need something to lighten my heart.

Ash and I got our domestic partnership certified by the state of Texas today. It was sudden and spontaneous because I have been fighting for the past year for my company to include domestic partnerships in their insurance. Finally. After a long battle, they finally approved.

The dp itself isn't that big of a deal. But it's a symbol for standing up for what's right. It is rare when I feel like my voice is really heard. But this week was incredible. I couldn't believe when they announced it. There were only two of us in the company fighting for this. Two of us. In a sea of a hundred. And we were heard. I wanted to stand on the county clerk's desk and shout out to everyone that I helped change the world today.

People are making a big deal about the dp. It's really not. We aren't engaged. Not married. In the state of TX, you don't get anything for a dp unless your company gives out the insurance benefits. And that's what it was for. It was for benefits. And that in itself was the big deal.

Anyway. Austin, I love you. For being the only city in the entire state of Texas to recognize same-sex couples. I love this place.

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